First Steps

Everyone's excitement - all a big happy blur.

Everyday he grows. Everyday there are changes. Everyday he learns about this World we live in. For us, most days are insignificant. For him, they’re monumental, critical, crucial, wonderful, beautiful, and magical. Everyday I challenge myself to turn the ‘ho-hums’ to ‘ooohs and aaahs’! That’s the wonder with Children, everything IS ‘ooohs and aaahs’! Adults are boring.

Today my one year old humbled me. As he took his first steps, I was reminded how every little thing for him matters. All the tiny details of the surroundings, every word that he hears, every sound that vibrates around him, every face he sees, they're all forming him to become who he will be.

I was doing the most mundane thing a normal woman would do, grooming nails, when it all happened. Clipping my toe nails juxtaposed with his memorable first steps just really placed things in perspective. The excitement in his eyes, his unbreakable grin, his will to do it again and again, his innocent mirth... it was an ice cold water thrown right smack in the middle of a hot ho-hum day.

I am glorifying my son's milestone by making it a lesson for me: We can still have our "first steps". We all should have excitement in our eyes, unbreakable grins, will to do it again and again, and (not necessarily innocent - hehe) mirth in ALL the things we do. There should be wonder in everything.

Watch his first steps HERE.

Celebrating My Son’s First Birthday

With 8 teeth and still on all fours, my baby celebrated his- eep! time flies so fast! –first birthday last April 13, 2013 at Sta. Elena Fun Farm. He turned a year older but all his guests regressed a year or two as they climbed ropes, rode horses and carabaos, fed rabbits and hamsters, rowed a boat, caught fishes, played trumpo (spinning top), holen (marbles), sipa, jackstones, and Chinese garter. They blew plastic balloons, conquered fear of heights as they rode the zip-line, and so much more. It was indeed a day of fun and laughter.

Kuya felt it was his birthday too, he ran and played all day.

 
Kids and adults shared the day enjoying the same things.

I wanted to have a birthday party that will resound my values and beliefs. I am his mother after all (husband nods head). As much as possible, we made sure everything was rustic, natural, earth-friendly, and handmade. There was this unexplainable and overwhelming want to keep it local and earthy.

Cake that the celebrant's older brother and cousins baked for him.

It was also the day when we blessed my son. We didn’t have a priest nor did we have a pastor just like in our wedding ceremony, but we all prayed and bestowed our deep and pure love on my son. We all enveloped him with our good intentions. It was an ideal “baptismal” rite for my husband and I. It was untainted with religious expectations and it was simple and direct but very spiritual. We also selected a lucky few who will serve as guardians and beacons for my son. We re-defined what Ninongs and Ninangs (Godparents) are. We selected specific people for specific reasons, we explained the reasons and handed them custom-made certificates. We wanted it as holistic, solemn, pure, and non-religion-specific as possible.

Lower pic: Awarding Tita Joni her certificate, she is Jaichi's Guardian of Happiness

My two precious boys!

I guess to encapsulate what I am trying to say is that we celebrated my son’s first birthday without much commercialized, controversial, and artificial materials and influences that may cause distraction or may deviate us from the innocence of the occasion. I didn’t even have blaring music; the party had laughter, excited conversations, and occasional animal grunts, cackle, and crows as ambient sound.

Of course my son will remember none of this, he’ll probably just know this party through photos and my video log. But I am sure that the good vibes, the unclouded and true energy and Love that vibrated that day will forever reside in him.

*If you wish to learn more about the details, or wish to see more photos of the party, please do read on (YouTube Vlog coming soon, please LIKE my Facebook page found on the right side panel for updates! Thank you!)...

Confusing My Son?

My son is familiar with different types of Gods. Norse, Greek, Roman, and yes, the God of Hebrews. He was really impressed with the Norse Gods in particular and at one point in time he declared that he will base his "religion" on Norse mythology.

I just let him. I just let him explore "religion". And I find it amusing.

But one day someone scoffed at me: "What are you doing to him? That's really bad! You are confusing him, those are MYTHS"! This was coming from someone who sends his daughters to a school managed by nuns.

Okay, so to "avoid confusion", shall I subject my son to one particular religion? To "avoid confusion", shall I say there is only one God? To "avoid confusion" shall I tell him to stick to one bible? Ask yourselves, why is our religion based on our parents' religion? To be completely honest, at the end of the day I want my son to be spiritually grounded. I want him to see the enlightened path and to follow that path. He is already 13 and I haven't really given him a push towards that path. Because I want him to discover it on his own.

I grew up as a Roman Catholic. My bestfriend back then was a Muslim princess and I even thought she made that all up because I was in a box. A box that consisted of rigid rules, Heaven and Hell, demons and angels. Where Immaculate Conception and walking on water are not myths. I took the "bread" without fully understanding what it really meant. I sounded like a robot in church, repeating phrases that were empty to me. I was told I was going to "burn in hell" for doing "this and that".

I don't want my son, for the sake of "avoiding confusion", to go with the flow. I want him to swim as deep and as far as he could and I will let him be. I will let him hear all kinds of stories, know all kinds of beings. I will allow him to decide on his own. And I will support his decision.

I will let him be "confused" and I want him to figure it out on his own. Because ultimately, for me, the way one lives is more important than being "not confused".

How Things Can Change

It was a really shaky and stressful start for my little family and I. My husband ever the panic-boy, my older son who had to adjust to the whole scenario, and me who unfortunately have pelvic floor prolapse, somehow managed our high-need baby. Well, he was an extremely high-need baby for the first two months of his life but on the day he turned 2-month old he transformed into a happy smiley baby and from then on, things began to be a lot easier. For that part… because you see, he is not the only one who is undergoing changes…

It is amazing and heart-jerking how 10 months can change us.

My high-need infant is now a jolly, Curious George, classic Kewpie baby who likes to eat and go out of the house. His infant wails and crankiness forgotten.

Within 10 months my sisters-in-law already got themselves new babies.

Within 10 months I acquired many “mommy-friends” through Instagram.

And within 10 months, my eldest son is now officially a teenager.

My son, my teenage son, who I am honestly currently struggling with, is a teenager who I sometimes really think is an alien who took over my sweet child. It is amazing and truly heart-wrenching how 10 months can change us. And sometimes it is not for the better.

I am coping with my teenager the best way I know how and I am truly blessed to have his school and my mother by my side. Is it a trend nowadays? To be so “I hate life”? Or was I like that too when I was young? Do we all really go through that phase, that phase of rebelling? Or did I stumble being a parent to him, too busy with my new baby who is also increasingly different everyday?

After a lot of consultations, it is apparent that puberty is hitting my family hard. From having serious crushes, to locking himself in a room with music on so loud, to slamming the door at my face – it really took me by surprise. It is exactly what I see in movies. And admittedly, it is like how I was when I was at his age. You think the teenagers in movies are exaggerated, but I kid you not, it’s the real deal. Of course I am not generalizing, but lo and behold I have the typical teenager.

His voice significantly changed and he is now taller and stronger – the physical changes went hand in hand with the changes in his behavior and overall attitude. But despite the big change, the baby I know surfaces from time to time asking me for kisses and hugs, dedicating his artworks to me and his dad just because, and questioning why I don’t leave sweet notes for him anymore (I leave notes for him by the door when I leave unplanned).

All the people who are guiding me in this journey insist that my boy is still sweet and very bright and that hormones are just inevitably taking over. We have to ride this wave the best way we know how to make him the person I dream him to be – a compassionate human being.

During this time, I am also evaluating myself. It frustrates me how easily my temper blows. I am also ashamed to admit that there are times when hurtful words fly out of my mouth. This is a time for me to go back and meditate and reflect what kind of parent I want to be. This is a challenge for all of us.

The changes that are going on with my baby is significantly as important and noteworthy as the changes that are going on with my teenager. They are all milestones, all marks in our lives, every little detail vital for our growth.

I am grateful that I stay home with my sons. I watch them both grow, I watch them both tackle every obstacle life has to offer. I am observing them both ever so closely, ready to catch them when they fall, literally for the baby and figuratively for my teen.

I just hope the Universe will grant me wisdom, courage, patience, and strength to guide both of them to be the best person they can be. 

Change is the Only Constant Thing In this World

I have always wondered how it feels like to have more than one child. I thought the Love would be divided. Such a fool to only realize now that the formula is multiplication. I have always been poor with math. But despite the abundance of Love that I am feeling, I found myself crying buckets of tears the other night. Mourning the death of an era when it was just me and my little bestfriend.  

I thought I was emotionally ready to have a new baby. I didn't realize that it entails saying goodbye to my solo moments with my eldest son. My solo moments with him, where nobody and nothing else matter but him. 

It just hit me like a dead end. There is no turning back.  

Luckily, I have a dozen years worth of precious moments with him. I'm still teary-eyed just thinking about it. We were once robots, we dove inside books together, we really are the best of buds. 

Now my prince will share his mother with his feisty dragon brother. I know he's not at all bothered by this new arrangement. After all, he did wish for a sibling and he'll be a teenager in a few months time. There will be so many changes happening soon. He is about to cross another bridge and enter another chapter of his life... Just when his mother is busy with someone else.  

Alas, it is his father's turn to build him now. It his father's duty to make a good male teenager out of him. Now is their time to have their own private jokes, their own nasty secrets, their own journey. Just like what his father did for the past years, I'll be by their side, not really an active player. Rather, a coach or a guide of some sort. At most times, probably just a spectator. 

 
By the time I emerge from the stage where I am done rearing the dragon (and hopefully a princess too), he'll be a man. No longer my Little Prince. Something I failed to foresee as part of the Big Change.

But such is Life. The only thing constant is change. Anicha. Anicha. Law of Impermanence. What arises will soon shall pass...

I closed a chapter with a heavy melancholic Heart but that doesn't discount the fact that the Little Prince and I are off to another exciting adventure... One which includes our Little Feisty Dragon.

Calm and Blissful Birth

When I got pregnant with my first son, I wanted to use the Lamaze technique. But I never got around to learning it because my son came out two months early. The unprepared 19-year old me practically begged to be put to sleep during the entire birthing process which was, regrettably, granted to me. I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of during my first pregnancy that it is almost a miracle that I have a relatively healthy son. We had to rehabilitate his lungs for years but nonetheless he is a survivor of my juvenile mistakes (ignorant decisions).

But, as he himself puts it, he wouldn’t be who he is now if I hadn’t done the things I did. He only has gratitude. He’s such a positive thinker!

This time, with my second pregnancy, I am obviously smarter. No alcohol (not that I’m a heavy drinker anyway). No cigarettes (hey, 5 years clean!). No drugs, illegal or otherwise (well, aside from the meds I took when I bled around my second and third month). Suffice to say, I am conscious and aware that I am responsible for my baby’s well-being and I am taking it seriously. (Well, not too serious… yes, I snuck Krispy Kremes and candy bars in my diet. Hehe).

From the get-go, I am determined to give birth naturally. I will take no drugs to numb or ease the pain. My heart is set to do this 100%. Besides, my mother did it 5x, my sister-in-law twice. Why can’t I? I want this birth to be drug-free as much as possible.

There are tons of techniques. There’s Lamaze and Bradley to name a few. But I think I’ll do it  the “Vipassana” way, if such a thing exists. I learned a meditation technique a year ago and it had helped me in many ways. I have not been meditating as often as I should and now that I am 1cm dilated, I promise to meditate and prepare at least 2 hours a day. Because I want a calm and blissful birth.

What is a BLISSFUL birth?

I did not coin this term but I am glad to finally put a name on it. I have this ideal birth in mind and tried to search online for it. After several months of different keywords and twenty or so articles, I stumbled on the perfect one. The article is called “BLISSFUL BIRTH”, written by Tamika Hilder. The article really reflected my beliefs and gah! It’s just so spot on.

I might mess up the whole idea if I use my own words. Here is the link to the article.

I am lucky I found this article. Otherwise, I’ll doubt my decisions and capability. I will listen to my instinct and I hope the people who will surround me during my second son’s birth day will respect my decisions and will not think I’m cuckoo. My OB already said she will support me but will have the “necessary” drugs prepared just in case.

I will have instruction sheets for everyone. I will inform them of my decisions and requests. Requests like having Chunky Chips Ahoy, ice-cold Chuckie and Reese’s Butter Cups by my side right after giving birth. Hey, I said it would be blissful, right?

Trimesters

There are many reasons why I haven’t posted anything here for the past months. The main reason being that I have so many things that I want to share, I can’t get my thoughts straight, I end up writing nothing. But I guess I owe my blog an update regarding my pregnancy.

When I started this blog I was around 4 months pregnant. Now I only have a month and a half to go before I have my second son. Yes, it’s another boy for my husband and I. We found out the gender on my husband’s birthday (2 days away from Christmas). We, together with our son, were wishing for a girl. I won’t lie. Our hearts sank when we found out that “it” was a “he”. My husband’s mood changed and he felt like he didn’t want to shop for the baby that day. But of course we quickly got around to our senses and embraced and loved the idea of having another son. I just realized how horrible it must have been for the royalties who couldn't give their husbands babies of the “right gender”. Some even got their heads chopped off as a consequence.  *shudder* Enough of the morbid stuff and let’s continue with the happy baby stuff!

I 
My first trimester was really hard! I now have a deep compassion for pregnant women! Hehe! With my first pregnancy, I didn’t have any complications whatsoever. It was an easy sail, save for the premature delivery, which, in all honesty, was still a breeze. It is only now I realized that every pregnancy is different. I experienced all the pregnancy clichés that there is to experience in the first trimester. I vomited, had spotting (was confined on my bed for many weeks), got tired too easily, had morning sickness, all day nausea – the works. I also had food aversions and cravings (nuts, particularly walnuts).  

II
On the second trimester, I had it quite easy. It was also the Christmas season so the mood was just right. There were lots of good food and happy shiny people. My baby also started to make his presence known by kicking me. All. The. Time! I even had my wisdom tooth taken out since it caused me too much pain due to heavy blood flow all over my body. The risk of infection was greater than what the local anesthesia would pose that’s why I decided to have the surgery. Either way, it was an easy and happy trimester.

III

At the beginning of the last trimester, I had a small scare regarding sugar levels in my body. Right after the holiday festivities I had my blood tested and it was evident I had too much fun eating. But when I had it done again after 2 weeks, I was safe. I have no gestational diabetes. Still, I can’t have too many iced Milo and Krispy Kreme. Le sigh.

At 10 Weeks, first ultrasound. Heard the heartbeat too!

At 22 Weeks, taken December 23 on my husband's birthday. Discovered the gender.

I have no idea what's going on in these pictures, 

supposedly we are to see the eyes, nose and then the lips. 

24 Weeks.

I am 7 months, 2 weeks and 2 days pregnant today. It is harder to sleep. Tummy is bigger than a basketball. It is so hard to climb stairs. I’m always tired. It is difficult to breathe. Skin is really stretching. Legs feel like they’re tree trunks. Feet are swollen. I’m always hungry. Nose is twice as large. My face has red splotches. Hair is lifeless. And did I mention my son literally beats me up?

And the worst is yet to come because they say giving birth is like having 20 bones breaking at the same time and I am prepared even without anesthesia. Everything would be worth it. After all, the best is also yet to come.